Today is Thursday, the 10th of November. I am sat on my mum's sofa in Germany, and I am exhausted. The last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster, which I probably haven't quite comprehended yet. I've had some incredibly difficult family issues to deal with, someone in my family passed away, I have been full of worries and anxiety, I had to take time off work. Also, Donald Trump became the new POTUS.
The introduction above was supposed to be the start to my 'A reflection on 2016' post. Instead I've decided to use it for the possibly most honest and raw blog post I have ever written.
This is not planned in any way. I wasn't going to do this; to 'give up', as it translates in my mind. Quite frankly, I am not even sure where to start, so I'll just let my thoughts flow out as they come. As much as I want to be honest and open with you, there are still some aspects of this whole situation which just do not belong on the internet, so I hope you understand some secrecy and vagueness in places.
What's been happening?
Recently I went through an incredibly hard time. A family member of mine's health took a turn for the worse, I went back to Germany to support them & my family and ended up staying for a funeral. It all happened very quickly but the emotional rollercoaster I was on made my nerves extremely thin, affected my work and also my physical health. And along with that came a waterfall of negative emotions.
When I feel particularly low, I do two things: I stop eating and I start comparing myself to everyone.
'Comparison is the thief of joy' is something I truly believe in, however, when you feel unhappy and dissatisfied with life, it is very easy to get sucked into the endless depths of Instagram's Explore page. I start doubting my appearance, my personality, my life choices, my abilities. It gets difficult to get up in the morning because I don't want to get ready as I know I'll hate myself anyway. I see the dark circles under my eyes, my dry & dull skin, my lacklustre hair. I see my unfashionable outfits, my wide hips and my jiggly muffin tops. I witness my friends getting engaged & married, planning their children, and I wonder if I am ever going to get even near my dream of having a family. As much as I appreciate my work, during those times, I feel like I'm not doing a good job. I feel like I do more harm than good for the company, and my mind is occupied with worries and sorrows to the point where I have to concentrate and push myself to get even the tiniest of tasks done.
Concentrating gets hard when you don't eat. I lose my appetite when my life is, allegedly, going downhill and it makes me feel cold & shivery a lot. Most mornings I get a few tummy issues before being even remotely ready to eat anything. The few times I eat, I do try and have somewhat nutritious but also 'safe' food like fruit, nuts, pasta and chicken. I drink 2 litres of water anyway, and will add lots of green tea to it. But I can still feel myself being dizzy more quickly, less concentrated more quickly and overall not fully there.
What this means for the blog.
As I mentioned in my last blog post, my laptop had given up a while ago and I was going to ask for some money for my birthday to get a new one. Long story short, someone in my family was going to kindly gift me a new one, however, it was the same person I have already mentioned in this blog post, so it did not happen. I cannot afford to buy a new laptop at the minute, especially not after having had to book two flights and also re-scheduling one, which is all very pricey. So I am going to have to wait for Christmas and ask for money again. Let's pray that there won't be another unexpected death in the family.
This brings me on to my next point, which is being so extremely disappointed. I had planned to do a mixture of Blogmas & Vlogmas this year. There was going to be a new blog post every weekday and two vlogs every weekend, but without a laptop, there is nowhere I could edit either of these things on. I feel very disappointed in myself, as I was looking forward to pushing my 'online identity' to the next level. I was going to invest more time and energy into the blog, finally start a YouTube channel and use my social media sites more often and effectively. Alas, none of these things are going to happen for now.
I try very hard to be positive about it all. I tell myself that I will eventually get a new laptop and then I am going to put all of my plans into practice. But I was looking forward to using my most favourite time of the year, i.e. Christmas, to kick-start it all. I had so many ideas of what I wanted to do, and none of them will work once we get into the new year. I fear that I have put it off for too long. I fear that a lot of things have taken me too long, being now in my 26th year of existence, and slowly feel like my time is running out. Even typing this gives me nervous shivers.
Of course, I could try to somehow work around it. Stay longer at work and write the posts from there, borrow someone else's laptop. I can practically hear people say, 'where there is a will, there is a way' but me being an utter perfectionist, I could not produce the content I want without having my own equipment to work on & with. I need to be able to write or edit a blog post whenever I want to, and will need time to learn the arts of video editing, in my own time. I am very excited for it but it does not work unless I have my own laptop to work on.
Long story short.
After all this rambling, there is not much left for me to say. The blog will remain quiet for a while, which I hope you understand. I also hope that, even in the new year, I can find motivation and inspiration to blog, vlog, snap, tweet and post.
'til then x