19:00

/kənˈfʌɪnd/



Recently, I feel confined; trapped. I find it impossible to share information with people without being haunted by the possibility of it travelling through the wrong people, ending up in a place where I never intended it to be and detonating into consequences I never wanted to happen. 

Trust is not something that comes easy to me as it is. Blame it on an emotionally abusive past and bad experiences; blame it on my ever overthinking mind which can't stop even at the brightest of times; but opening up and revealing personal information is something I struggle with every day. It's fine for a while, I might even be comfortable enough to let a snippet out into the open, but without fail, there will come a time where I regret even opening my mouth.

When my boss sat me down for a chat, revealing to me that someone had been spreading rumours about me that could have cost me my career, I could physically feel my walls going up. Giant doors locking themselves like the Hogwarts entrance when Sirius Black was spotted in the castle, I said to myself it was time to give up hope that loyalty, honesty and trust were values that still existed in this world.

They say you should not set your expectations to a standard based on your own moral values, but if I do not use my own values, whose do I use?


"No one understands you when they first meet you. It takes so long to fully grasp you, most people just give up in the process."

An actual quote someone once said about me.



Acceptance and being understood is something I have struggled with all my life. This does by no means mean that I was unpopular; even more so, I fit right in, because I got along with almost every type of person. But there was never a greater understanding; a deeper interest in who I was as a sensitive, reflective person who constantly analyses their surroundings and company.

I value trust. Honesty. Loyalty. Friendship. Unconditional support. If someone confides something to me, who am I to do anything with it other than keeping it to myself? Other than being non-judgemental, accepting their feelings and opinions, even if I don't agree? Is this not what any kind of relationship should be about?

Vice versa, I fear judgement; I fear that whatever I am feeling in that moment will make the person see me in a different light; a negative light. But most of all, I fear that I won't be understood. More often than not have I put my heart out to someone and got a superficial reply which immediately showed me that I was heard but not understood; that it took the person too long to grasp what I was saying that they just gave up in the process.

With all of this being said, now more than ever, I will always stand up for myself.
The only person I am stuck with forever is myself, and I am going to voice my opinion if and when necessary, within the appropriate boundaries and word choices, but I will not stop being myself for the fear of having incompatible opponents giving up. I won't stop being sensitive towards the world, and I won't stop seeing the beauty in everything. I will continue to battle the negativity I encounter on a day-to-day basis, and even when I am forced to sit in a dark cloud with thunder & lightning all around me, I will try my hardest to make the sun beams break through and spread.

And it will be worth it, because I will not stop to strive for more; for a better version of myself.
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